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How to Fail at Life

Posted on Saturday January 27, 2007 at 1:00am in

So, I’m working as a writer on a newspaper for Bryan called Project:BAM. He requested that I include this is as my first article, something I wrote for english class last year. Pretty funny, enjoy:

How to Fail at Life

This is failure. The first step in failing at life is to not care. Stop caring. If you’re still reading this, you have failed (that doesn’t mean you’ve won, that means that you have simply failed to fail, which is bad) Don’t worry; you’ll get it.

The next step is to distance yourself from all other humans and life forms. Seclude yourself, exile yourself, and disown your pets or children or spouse. If you’re having trouble getting rid of some of these pesky ‘obstacles’ that are ‘holding you up’ so to say, a tip is to lock yourself in a room and not come out for anyone. Or, you could just be in a really bad mood at all times, so that no one else could possibly want to befriend you. Disconnect your phone. Once you are successfully uncaring, uncared for and distanced you can move on to the next step.
If you are employed, stop going to work. If you’ve successfully completed step number one, this shouldn’t be a problem. Money is for rich people and providers; you don’t need it. You, my friend, are on your way to becoming an excellent failure. If in school, don’t hand in any work, and don’t waste time cheating. The goal here is to fail everything and help no one else; a ‘professional burden on society’ is a good way to look at it.

The best way to fail is to only care for yourself, and do nothing but eat, sleep, and lounge all day. Eventually you’re going to run into some complications that will affect your ability to survive. For example, without your job, you will run out of money, and when you run out of money, people take your stuff. This is a natural step in failing life, and shouldn’t be feared – but be prepared for this to come and it won’t be a problem if you’ve lived a life without regrets!
Failure can be fun. I knew a person named Timothy who succeeded at failing completely. Quite an amusing guy, he lived a great failed life with no future and no hope. He lived his days alone, wandering the country and seeing many different places and sights. Of course, it didn’t last long because he died early on. The earlier the die, the sooner you fail. He was truly an inspiration to all aspiring failures of the world.

When one is secluded and out of money and food, thievery becomes a very appealing craft. If you start to steal, you’ll start to hone your craft, becoming better and better, and stealing more and more. At this point, you have failed at failing, because you have developed a passion for something. A failure is devoid of passion for anything. Stealing is also a minus, because if you start to steal more eventually you could live a comfortable life and to some extent be considered to have lived a successful life. When failing, try to keep in mind that stealing is never an option, nor is relying on the kindness of others (always just eat food off the ground, or off trees, and always find shelter away from others people).

Of course, absolute failure is never really even about failing. It’s about not succeeding. If you develop a goal of failure, you’re sure to fail at that. But then isn’t that not failing? No. You’re succeeding by failing at failing. That is failure.

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